How Emily Cave found that joy and grief can coexist in writing her book about Colby
It’s taken many, many months of work for Emily Cave to get to this point, but she feels like she’s finally there.
“Whether it’s a few weeks after you lose your loved one or a few years after you lose your loved one, joy and grief can coexist,” she said.
That’s a message Cave writes in her book, “For Colb: The Vow Beyond ‘Till Death Do Us Part’” — and it’s a balance she hopes readers who’ve experienced tragedy can find in due time.
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Cave’s husband, Colby, was a member of the Oilers organization when he died in April 2020 from a brain bleed resulting from a colloid cyst. He was 25.
Her writing is a labour of every emotion imaginable, beginning from the moment when she first began documenting Colby being taken to the hospital four days before his death. She started putting everything into book form late last summer.
The finished product been available since the end of April through her website, and signed copies are still available there. It was also just released Monday worldwide on Amazon, where it reached top-10 status in Canada and No. 1 for hockey books in its first 24 hours.
Still, there’s a bittersweetness to it all more than three years removed from Colby’s death.
Cave, now 30, continues to live in Edmonton, where she moved a few weeks after Colby died. Her parents, Terry and Gary, followed her to Alberta’s capital and continue to call the city home.
There are reminders of Colby everywhere, which are heightened at playoff time because more people were even more curious to know if she’d attend games.
“I find it hard,” Cave said. “It would be like, if you were a banker and your spouse passed away, would you go into their bank all the time?
“But Edmonton has been so amazing and supportive. I’ve said that since Day 1 and still to this day are still really incredible. I’ll definitely be in Edmonton a little bit longer. Edmonton has a special place in my heart.”
She’s also been able to move on in some ways, though.
Cave now has a new partner, Colin Boit. She’s found ways to feel good about the days ahead.
That’s important to feel — and important for others that have or will go through something like she has to feel, too.
“You can be happy about the future and also feel sad about the past,” she said. “That’s totally OK and totally valid and totally normal.”
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Cave spoke to The Athletic about life, her book and her late husband.
Note: This interview has been edited for clarity and length.
Most importantly, how are you doing these days?
I always say it comes in waves — and I think I’ll always say that until the day I die. There’s a lot more good days now for sure. I can think back on memories, and I can smile, and I can laugh. But then when those grief waves hit and you have a bad day, it takes you right back to April 11, 2020. I think a lot of people think that after the funeral or after a few months, you move on. And that’s not the case at all. You’re never healed.
Did writing the book help in some way? Why did you decide to write it?
I had a few people kind of reach out to me regarding the book. I had someone that does documentaries with Netflix, and I just never got a good vibe from that. I wanted to do it authentic, and I wanted it to be like my words — as if someone was reading my journal — very raw and not cookie-cutter. I had been documenting from the moment Colb was in the hospital up until, really, today. I just wanted to put that all together.
I feel like as you move forward with your life, and as I move forward with my life, I wanted people to know the truth behind the story from the person that was the closest to the story. When Colby passed away, there was a lot of media and there was COVID. I have my voice, but I wanted people to hear it from — these are the actual facts; this is how it happened. I wanted to make sure that I felt good — like I was leaving it all out on the ice. (Laughs.)
I wanted to write my heart out, which was extremely therapeutic as well, and give people the opportunity to get to know him — not the media him or the hockey Colb — and our story before April 11. I think a lot of people didn’t know Colb as much until he passed away. I wanted them to know the Colb from many years before that as well.
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It’s been just over three years since Colby passed. What still resonates about him above all else?
The way he looked at life and the way that he looked at any trial he was facing — whether it was big or small, whether it was on ice for work or whether it was personal. He just always had such a positive attitude. He never complained.
I was thinking about it the other day. When he was super sick that night, he wasn’t even complaining — and his brain was filling with spinal fluid. He just had such a positive outlook and attitude at life. That’s something that I really strive every single day to do as well in honour of him. There’s not many people like that. There’s a lot of people that get really down or do the “poor me” or all of that. Colb was the furthest from that.
Emily and Colby Cave on their wedding day. (Photo courtesy of Emily Cave)I’ve heard that a lot, too. The first thing that jumped out in the book was the dedication, which is naturally to Colby. The last line reads, “I’ll see you in Heaven, hold it down ’til I get there. Agape.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but that sounds similar to the last line of your eulogy at his Celebration of Life. Is there a connection?
I always used to say, and I said in the book, and it was the only thing for a really long time that could get me out of bed, “It’s one day closer to seeing Colb in heaven.” For a while, that’s kind of what I wished for. That would get me out of bed.
Now, as I’ve moved forward a little bit, it’s more just like I’m super, super excited for the day I see Colb again. When I think about it, I could burst into tears. But until then, I’m going to do so much in his honour so, when I do see him in heaven, I can like run to him and be like, “Look what I did in honour of you” or “Look what I was able to do because you loved me; because you lived, I could do all of this.”
That’s really my perspective. It definitely took me a while to get there, and I definitely still have my days, but that’s the way that I look at it now.
There’s a lot in this book, but what was your favourite chapter to write?
It depends on the season in the book. One of my favourite chapters to write was probably just talking about the hockey life. I talk about it and the people. I talk about our journey and it’s not always the glamour and the ups and the downs and all of that. I think maybe that’s why it’s my favourite chapter, because it was such a huge part of my life and such a huge part of his life. I would say I feel Colb the most when I’m around his hockey friends. I loved writing that chapter.
Another chapter I loved — it’s a sad chapter, too — but talking about Agape and just like the power of Agape now and the word and the song by (former Bakersfield Condors teammate) Cooper (Marody). People sent me photos from all over the world when they see the word “Agape” and say that they know the word now because of me and Colby’s story. That’s the power of Agape.
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I didn’t write it in my book, but a year and a half after Colby died, I went to Nashville for a girls’ trip. It was Colby’s favourite place. It was where he asked my dad to marry me. When I was out in Nashville, we were with a hockey friend. A couple came up to me, and the guy started talking to me. He was like, “I want you to know I’m a singer and a songwriter, too, and me and my band released a song the same day that Cooper had released ‘Agape.’” Cooper’s song was rising on the charts. He had no idea who Cooper was. But when he learned about the song and the story behind it, I think they pulled their song. He didn’t care about (his song) because of just how special (Marody’s) song was.
I feel like that alone is the power of Agape. It’s the love and selflessness and just like rooting each other on whether you’re strangers or whether you’re married. Just the power of that has been sad for sure, but really cool to hear and witness.
That’s neat. You talked earlier about finding ways to move on a little bit. Tell me about Colin Boit and what he’s meant to you.
I’ve got to thank (former Oiler) Tyler Ennis and Connor McDavid for that. They were there at night. They were like, “Emily, you’ve got to date again.” Connor was like, “We miss Caver every single day, but he’d want you to be happy.”
I was not ready for it. I fought it pretty hard. Still to this day. I was just texting Cooper Marody. I was like, “I hope I’m not hurting Colby’s feelings in heaven.” Cooper was like, “Emily, Colby would be so happy for you.”
Survivor’s guilt is a hard thing, especially being a young widow. Colin has handled it with so much grace. I texted him about the book being top 10 in Canada. He was like, “That just made my day.” He’s very supportive. It’s not easy for him at all, and he’s just handled it with such grace. He doesn’t know too much about hockey, so it’s kind of funny to have him around some of our friends. But it’s refreshing.
Well, that was like you before you met Colby, I remember you saying.
Yeah, exactly. (Laughs.)
Not everything in the book is preachy, of course. You included a chapter titled, “Cyber Bullying.” What have you endured in that respect in the last three years, and why did you want to include that in the book?
It’s so important to talk about cyberbullying. Other than the chapters about Colby in the hospital and the day he died, that was one of the harder chapters for me to write. That’s part of why I wanted to write the book. It’s not always glamour or being in the public eye.
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Cyberbullying — I get it; so many people get it. It’s something that, in today’s society, is so easy for people to hide behind a screen. You can’t see the consequences of your words and your actions, and how damaging and hurtful they can be.
For me, the cyberbullying was out of control. It has calmed down quite a bit. But I was too scared to look at my phone, too scared to go anywhere. These were people who were cowards hiding behind a screen. If you should say it to someone’s face, you shouldn’t make a face account and hide behind a screen and say it.
It took so much therapy. It still stings. It still hurts. But I’m learning from it and trying to move forward. It’s just a reminder that you really don’t know what someone else is going through. Just be mindful of what you say and what you post.
In what respect have you faced the most backlash regarding the cyberbullying?
It’s definitely been on my Instagram. When Colby passed away, I was told to get out there and date again and do all this. Then, I’m soaking in his death or I’m attention-seeking.
What people didn’t realize was my grief was also extremely delayed. I didn’t see some of his friends until a year after he passed away. The funeral was a year later. I was so delayed in it, and so isolated with COVID because I couldn’t see anyone.
I had that on one side of the coin. On the other side of the coin, when I did finally announce dating Colin, it was that I don’t love Colby anymore and I don’t grieve Colby anymore. I was darned if I do, and darned if I don’t.
The hardest thing for me is when people question my love and grief for Colby now or compare the two — Colin and Colby. It’s so hurtful.
Colby Cave playing for the Oilers in January 2019. (Rich Lam / Getty Images)When it comes to Colby, he wasn’t an Oiler for long, but he isn’t forgotten. There’s framed photo of him that still hangs in the team’s dressing room. What does that mean to you?
I absolutely love it. When I see people talking about him — even if it’s his teammates or some of his close friends or my close friends and family — or when they talk about Colb or do things in honour of him, I can feel him still. It just like makes me so happy that people are still thinking about him. I think about him every single day. To know that other people are thinking about him, too, it means a lot. It’s super special.
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I was actually texting (Colby’s first NHL coach) Bruce Cassidy (before Game 5 with Vegas) and I was getting emotional talking to him. I was like, “Colb is totally cheering you on.” Butchy had sent this wake-up video when Colby was on life support. In it, he’s talking about how he asked Colby to go make this play. Ironically, it was against the Florida Panthers. When Colby came back to the bench, he looked over at Butch and he was like, “Hey, Butchy; how’s that for responding?” Butchy smiled. In his wake-up video, he was like, “OK, Colb; now you need to respond. You need to wake up.” I was texting Butchy the other day and I was like, ‘Colb’s in heaven telling you, ‘You got to respond. You’ve got to win the Cup against Florida.’”
It’s just having those authentic conversations, even like three years out. I was with Wendy and Dave Tippett a few weekends ago in Arizona. We went to dinner with Colin. They’ve met Colin a few times. Dave was talking about Colb. I absolutely love it. The Tippetts are amazing as well. They’re always talking about him, too. Colin will sit there. He loves to hear the stories. It’s really special. I feel less alone in missing Colb when other people talk, or they do things in honour of him.
Speaking along those lines, how is everything going with Colby’s Kids?
It’s good. There are no sessions for the summer, but we hope to open back up in the fall. This last session was actually the first where we could do an all-girls session. That was really cool. Our numbers are up. Now that the COVID restrictions have laid off a bit, I’m seeing it all come together. Right when he passed away, we could do anything with Colby’s Kids for almost two years. It was almost at a standstill.
Seeing all come together is awesome. There’s CASA (Child, Adolescent and Family Mental Health) and everything we’re doing in honour of him — and in Boston, too, all that they’re doing — I absolutely love it. I love seeing the kids. They’re out purpose together. They always will be.
I know you’re just getting everything truly off the ground now, but have you thought about next steps to take with that program?
My wish from Day 1 was always to expand Colby’s Kids into every city that he played in — Edmonton, Bakersfield, Boston, Providence, Swift Current, North Battleford. That was always the end goal. I really hope that one day that can be possible.
Lastly, what’s the one you’d want someone who only knew Colby for his hockey career to know about him?
Like I said earlier, one of the things I miss the most about him is his outlook on life. He always had that same YOLO — you only live once. We didn’t know he was dying, but he lived life every single day to the fullest.
He appreciated talking to people. It was also how he made people feel. It just made such an impact. I can imagine if we’d known he was dying, how much more of an impact he could have had. He would have went out of his way. He just naturally made such an impact with his personality. That’s why I’m most proud of him.
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Being in the NHL is great, but I’m most proud of who he was.
(Top photo courtesy of Emily Cave)
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